A year ago tonight

It was cold and clear, and the moon was full. Storms were forecast, the wind was picking up, and I was in labor. The last few weeks had seemed like an eternity, I really wanted my pregnancy to be over and my baby to be born. And finally, finally! it was time. My attendants bundled me up in heavy winter clothes, and sent me out walking with Cary to the end of the driveway and back. I remember how vivid the shadows cast by the bright moon were, and how cold the wind was in my face. We had to stop every few feet for a contraction. I think it took an hour or so, just to walk to the mailbox and back. It was absolutely surreal, a moment I'll never forget.

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

Well, here it is: the story of Conan's birth. Be warned, it's a little graphic in places. I completely understand if some of my readers prefer NOT to know all about what it took to get my little dude into the world! But I feel like it's time for me to write it down for posterity - you can decide to read or not to read at your own risk.

Due

Today's Conan's official due date. I had a lot of contractions last night, they kept me up until 1 am but then faded away. Damn. We might be close or we might have another two weeks to go, no way to tell. Here's hoping we're close!

Are we there yet?

One week to go... I hope. I've been having tons of prodromal labor (aka practice, false, or pre-labor). Basically this means contractions that hurt enough to wake me up and make me gasp, but not strong enough to stop me from being able to talk or move around. They are usually regularly spaced about 10 minutes apart, last a minute or two, and can go on for hours before just stopping. Apparently this starting & stopping is not uncommon, but it sure is frustrating! And it can/could go on for weeks without any progress... or it could turn into real labor at any minute - the worst part is not knowing.

Also, my belly is enormous. In fact, we've been calling it "The Enormity". Here's a side-view shot from the other night (I was pacing through some contractions):

This angle is a little odd but I think really captures how encumbered (or maybe eclipsed?) I feel:
Conan continues to grow & thrive, the Midwife estimates he's around 7 lbs now. He's a strong little kicker, too, and none too happy about how crowded and sqeezey it's getting in there. I keep telling him if he wants more room, he needs to come out here. It'll blow his mind how much room there is!

Done Working!

Yesterday was my last day of work, now I'm officially on maternity leave! Woooooo!

It feels really good to be done, although it's a little wierd - I've been working my entire adult life, and now I've had this job for nearly 11 years. (whoa!) It's really strange to think I will not be working for 3 whole months, I've never had that much time off before. Even durring the time I was "unemployed" between graduating from college and landing my current job (which took about 8 months) I was actually working quite a bit, as a temp. While I didn't work full-time while I was in school (either college or high school) since I was about 14 I've always had at least a part-time job working evenings & weekends, holidays & breaks. This whole "on leave" thing is going to be a strange experience for me in many ways. I bet I can handle it tho! :)

I'm really looking forward to having some time to finish some baby related projects, not to mention nesting. I'm getting some crazy urges to clean things that I'd never considered cleaning before. I cleaned the inside of the dishwasher already, and the washing machine door has some serious hard water deposits that need to be scrubbed off. And cobwebs, OMG. And I'd never really noticed before, but there's dust and cat hair on the top edge of the baseboard trim, all over the house! Also the pantry and all the closets need to be organized. Something clearly must be done about all this, and soon... because obviously I can't have a baby in a house with dusty baseboards and a disorganized pantry! It's wierd - I know it's totally irrational, but I am powerless to fight the urge to clean these things. [shrug]

Here's one baby project that I did finish recently which turned out really nicely, I made a mobile out of the blessing dolls which people made for baby Conan at the baby shower: It's hanging over the changing table in the nursery. It's really neat to look at. Each of the dolls is so unique, and they all carry a little paper scroll with a blessing written on it. Here are a couple of the individual dolls:

They are made from clothespins, yarn, fabric scraps, feathers, and love.

37 Weeks - Full Term!

Today is a special milestone - baby Conan is now officially considered Full Term. He probably won't be born for at least another two weeks (possibly up to five) but whenever he does decide he's ready it will be OK. Medically, his lungs & other organs are fully developed now and he wouldn't require any special care to survive "outside". He might be a tad on the skinny side at this point, as these last few weeks are all about accumulating baby fat, but otherwise he'd be just like any other newborn.

Besides Conan himself being ready, we've finished getting & organizing all the supplies we'll need for the homebirth, so we're ready too. Most everything we'll need is packed in this laundry basket, ready & waiting to be deployed whenever labor starts.

If you are curious, here's what is in the basket:

2 dozen extra large blue medical underpads

1 dozen 4x4 sterile gauze pads

1 digital thermometer

1 sterile rubber 2 oz bulb syringe

1 8 oz. peri squeeze bottle

1 bottle hydrogen peroxide

1 bottle witch hazel

1 bottle olive oil

2 dozen regular sanitary napkins

1 pkg maximum absorbtion maxi pads

2 sets of sheets

1 12x12 painters' drop plastic

1 12x12 blue plastic tarp

2 plastic garbage bags

2 ziploc freezer bags, 1 gallon size

drinking straws

heating pad

large plastic bowl

hand mirror

clean wash cloths

receiving blankets

diapers

sleepers for baby

cotton baby hat

nursing nightgown

And in the freezer there are a couple soft-gel ice packs, frozen juice concentrate, and several boxes of popsicles. :)

The plan is to set up the birthing tub right in the living room (on top of the blue plastic tarp) and make up the futon/couch as a bed (sheets, painters plastic, second set of sheets). It's the biggest room in the house, and the kitchen and one bathroom are right adjacent to it. Also, the wood stove is available if we want (or need) to have a fire going. You never know, we do get some big winter storms around the time we're expecting Conan to make his appearance. I actually think that would be pretty neat, to have a big storm going on outside while we were snug and warm laboring inside.

The only thing we don't have at home yet is the birth tub itself, which we are renting. We are supposed to pick it up on Saturday, so that shouldn't be a problem. We even have a special medical-grade hot water hose (regular garden hose is a no-no for this sort of thing) and a special adapter so we can attach it to the bathtub faucet for filling the birth tub.

I can't believe it's so close! I'm so ready to be done with pregnancy. It really hasn't been very pleasant, and although I will always treasure the special feeling of having felt this little life grow inside me, I'm ready to have my body to myself again.

Belly Pictures

Aimee came out an took some more pictures of me & my belly a few weeks ago, and as always her photos are truly excellent. This is my absolute favorite, it's like we're holding little Conan already.

I was about 8 months pregnant at the time - my belly is considerably bigger than this now, if you can believe it:

This is just such a nice picture of us on our front porch. Somehow it just captures that happy expectant life-is-so-good feeling that I have.
We really are blessed with a good life.

Fall

Fall is definitely here. The days are shorter, the mornings are frosty, and the leaves are falling. Somehow it doesn't seem like it should be here yet, but on the other hand October is almost over... how did that happen? It seemed like just the other day that my due date was a long way off, and now it's just around the corner. Aiigghhh!

Pregnancy continues to be a lot more tiring than I ever expected. On my midwife's orders I've cut back my work week to only 4 days now, which feels a lot better, but is still exhausting. In November I'll probably cut my work hours down even more. Everything just takes so much more energy with this big belly - getting up out of a chair, climbing stairs, getting in & out of the car, getting dressed - things I always just took for granted would be easy, aren't. And baby's still got 7 weeks to grow!

In other news, tomorrow we're having the neighborhood water association over for a meeting to discuss getting a second hookup to the main water line so we can irrigate our (future) orchard. I'm a little nervous, but I'm hopefull we can convince everyone to grant us this favor. There's 7 parcels in our association, and each has 1 connection currently, leaving 2 "extra" connections. So in theory at least, there should be no problem in granting us one of the extras. Of course, if we get an extra one then there will only be 1 left, not enough to go around... but also the way the properties are layed out, ours is the only one which is divided by a stream in such a way that it would be really difficult to run water to all parts of it from just one connection point. So, fingers crossed. I'm planning on serving fresh-baked apple pie still warm from the oven, that can't hurt!

Baby Shower

Aimee & Kriss put togther an absolutely lovely baby shower for me yesterday. Other friends helped out too, I thank you all for your efforts. I had so much fun! I really enjoyed having all my ladies, both friends and family, local and from out of town, gathered together for an afternoon of shower games and snacks and crafts and visiting. Also, there was a piñata! Nothing completes a party quite like a piñata. Tombi's Yam Cheesecake was also a big hit, and the blessing doll/angels that everyone made are going to be a very special keepsake for little Conan. I'll post a picture once I get them put together as a mobile or nursery decoration. They really are super special, each one is so unique. I got loads of wonderful gifts, you all are such generous and thoughtful people. Little Conan is a lucky little guy, to be born with such a wonderful supportive extended family and friend network. Thanks to everyone who came and helped make my shower such a success, I love you all. :)

Update: Here's a picture from Tombi of my Sister-in-law Nadege and me comparing bellies at the shower. Nadege is due November 14, just a little over 3 weeks before me. I'm so excited that Conan will have a cousin (her name will be Chloe) so close in age.

Genderizing Baby

I've been thinking a lot lately about what little Conan will be like. I'm sure every mom-to-be does this, but as usual I have probably gone further than most and really begun to over-analyze things, especially in terms of gender role expectations. One of the things I have really noticed is the gender-specific nature of baby items - clothes, nursery decorations, equipment, you name it - they make one version for girls and one for boys. This post really caught my attention. It's very true, as the author says - baby clothes are very genderized, and it's a lot more subtle than just pink vs blue, bows vs buckles. Girls get butterflies, flowers and kittens; boys get firetrucks, puppies, and dinosaurs.

I think it's pretty telling that I felt relieved to find out that Conan was a boy - not because I wouldn't want a girl - but because it meant that I woulnd't have to struggle with getting all those stereotypically girly clothes, especially when it came to gifts from friends & family. If I had a girl, I'd want to dress her in the "boy" clothes, because they have so much more variety. When exactly did cartoon fish & dinosaurs & puppies become masculine, anyway? Girls can be firefighters, backhoe operators, or fishermen too, right? And find me the toddler of either sex who doesn't deserve to wear a shirt that says "mommy's little monster".

Personality trait predictions are also interesting. I can't deny that little Conan is a very active baby, at least at this stage. And yes, we are giving him a name with some strong masculine connotations. But his womb activity level could just as well lead him to be a dancer or a gymnast as a football star or a boxer. Right? He could be an introverted bookworm, into astronomy and science and music as easily as a rambunctious tree-climbing knee-skinning frog-pocketing "boy's boy" with a fixation on tools and cars. And yet people always predict the latter... not that there's anything wrong with being a "boy's boy", but just once I kind of wish someone would say, "Oh, he's going to be such a sensitive and thoughtful little guy" or "Maybe he'll grow up to be a famous chef" or "You must be looking forward to watching him perform in school plays" or something like that. It would be so... refreshing. :)

Childbirth Class

Last night we went to our first childbirth class. It was really interesting, and I like the teacher (Mary Burgess) and the rest of the group. There are 6 other couples in the class, two due in october, two in november, and two (besides me) in early december. All of us are first time parents. One of the interesting things we learned last night is that there is only a 4% chance that you will have your baby on your due date! I knew it was a small chance, but I thought it was higher than that! Really, there's a four-week window, two weeks before and two weeks after the due date. So I could end up having little Conan pretty much any time between Thanksgiving and Christmas...

We talked about labor pain & intensity, and did an interesting excercise where we held a handful of ice cubes for 60 and 90 seconds to experience "prolonged intense sensation". Wow - all I can say is try it. It really, really burns after about 8 seconds, and a minute seems like a REALLY long time, 90 seconds is excruciating. We did a few breathing excercises to help train the mind not to focus on the pain of holding the ice, and then once we had practiced that a couple times moved on to putting the ice on our bare feet. YEEEEOOOOW! You may be thinking I'm an extreme wuss, and it may be true - why don't you go get a handful of ice, put it on a towel on the floor, and stand on it barefoot while someone times a minute for you? Then you can post in comments about how much tougher than me you are. :)

First Diaper

I made my first cloth baby diaper yesterday! It turned out really well. I spent a lot of time looking at patterns and reading about materials and styles and stuff so by the time I sat down to sew I had a good idea of what I wanted to do. Even so, I'm impressed at how quickly and easily it came together. Also, it's really tiny and cute, I cant wait to have a little baby butt to put in it. :)

Here it is with one of the wing/tabs open, you can see the little scoop in the front - that is to keep the tummy pannel from coming up over the umbilical stub while it's healing. The pattern I used is called "Shar's Newborn with Umbilical Scoop Pocket" and it was a free downloadable pattern.

Here it is completely open, the elastic at the top is the opening for the pocket. For those of you who haven't been obsessibly researching cloth diapers for the last month (and why not? you have something better to do?), a pocket diaper has two layers - an outer water resistant or waterproof one, and an inner wicking one, with an opening so you can stuff an absorbant insert in between the two - aka the pocket. In this case, both the inner layer and the outer layer are polar fleece, but strangely enough some fleece lets water through and other fleece doesnt. I had quite a time going through my fabric bin pouring water on various fleeces to figure out which kind was which, it is not obvious from the thickness or fuzziness of the fleece at all. So, how does it work? In the interest of science, I tested the finished diaper (even though I had already tested the fleece before sewing) by stuffing the pocket with scrap material and placing the whole thing on top of a t-shirt before pouring about a half-cup of H2O onto it.
The result? It worked perfectly. The insert soaked up all the water, the inner wicking layer of fleece felt only slightly damp to the touch, and the outside of the diaper and the T-shirt beneath it were perfectly dry. I'm sure in real life some accidents may happen, but this diaper design really seems to work well!
After my initial diaper-making success, I decided I should try my hand at making the absorbant inserts. It took a bit of trial and error, but once I got a system worked out they went really fast and I made up a baker's dozen of them. The winning combination was two layers of flannel or jersey (from an old t-shirt) and an inner layer made from a retirement-aged bath towel. I top-stitched the edges and the center to (hopefully) keep all the layers in place without any fraying through wash after wash.
I also cut out a bunch more fabric for more diapers, including some PUL (polyurethane laminate - basically plastic-backed fabric) to use for the outer layer on some truly waterproof ones. The PUL is kind of expensive, so I wanted to make sure I did up some fleece ones to practice before I got into it. I figure I'll make about twenty of these newborn-sized ones with the scoop front, and then switch into a slightly larger newborn/small, maybe from a different pattern. This is fun, and it's really going to work! I'm so glad I decided to give sewing my own diapers a try.

Six Months!

Today is the day, I'm 24 weeks or 6 months along. Only four more months to go! Yes, that's right, four: the dirty little secret of pregnancy is that it's actually 10 months (40 weeks) long. As my mom puts it, "You'll be nine months pregnant for a whole month!" Here's what six months looks like (self portrait with dusty mirror):
Not too big yet, but this belly is starting to be a noticeable encumberment. I have trouble reaching my feet to mess with my shoes or socks, rolling the passenger-side window up or down from the driver's seat is almost impossible, and I've had to readjust where my keyboard sits on my desk because I cant roll my chair up as close as I'm used to.

I'm down to only once a week on the nausea/vomiting, so that's a big improvement. My feet have started to swell up though, which is much more unpleasant than I had expected. I didn't know it would actually hurt! I'm doing what I can to keep them from getting too swollen: drinking lots of water, minimizing my salt intake, soaking with epsom salts in the evening, doing yoga and putting my feet up whenever possible. Some days I'm more sucessful than others at keeping the swelling down, when it's really hot there's just not much that can be done to stop it.

Little Conan is getting bigger and stronger all the time, he is very active and his stamina is improving by leaps and bounds. He kicks, punches, rolls and wiggles all day long, sometimes even making it hard for me to get to sleep. I enjoy feeling him move around. Sometimes it's pretty wierd and not altogether pleasant feeling, but I like knowing he's alive and healthy in there. I can't wait until after he's born, to be able to feel him wiggle with my hands instead of my insides! :)

The nursery hasn't progressed much further than getting it cleaned out and the carpet steamed, but I have aquired some really great hand-me-down baby things from Iris and Tombi. I've gotten a few new things as well, it's starting to look like a real baby wardrobe! I just love that my baby dresser is filling up with all these special little things, my little guy is going to look so cute wearing them this winter.

Ultrasound!

We went today for our one and only ultrasound. Not only did we find out the sex of the baby, it sure was neat to see our little guy punching and kicking, wiggling all around. That's right, it's a boy! Here are some of the better images:



Watching the profile was neat, we could see him moving his mouth and head, making sucking motions. He kept waving his hands around by his face, and although we never actually saw him connect and suck his thumb, it sure looked like thats what he was going for.

The technician checked to make sure all the organs were where they were supposed to be as well. We were able to watch the heart pumping and see that it does indeed have four chambers, and she zoomed inside the skull to see that the brain has two normal-sized lobes. The spine, kidneys, and stomach also checked out normally. Based on the size of the femur, skull, and stomach the computer calculates little Conan is 20 weeks + 3 days, very close to our own estimation of 20 weeks exactly today. Which means he's developing normally, possibly just a smidge on the large side. We were also able to verify that the placenta is up high in the back of the uterus, no chance of it getting in the way of a normal, natural birth. Good news, all around. And such a fun expirience, to actually see my baby... wow. Serious wow.

Pregnancy Update - 18 weeks

Here's the big news: I felt the baby move for the first time on Sunday! It was after a long, hot, uphill walk from downtown Olympia back to Gabe's house. I was lying down on the couch to rest and catch my breath when I felt a pressure that slid for an inch or two along the inside of my low belly before disappearing. It really was unmistakable, I have never felt anything like it before! I haven't felt anything definite since then, just some little twinges that could have been digestive. I've read that for first-time moms it is pretty common for baby movements to be mistaken for gas, at least before the 20th week.

The other new thing is that I'm starting to get a definite linea nigra running down from my belly button. I think it's kinda cute. :)

For those of you who didn't already know, our baby is going to have a cousin right away - my brother and his wife are expecting in late November. They just found out it's a girl. Our parents are thrilled - not one but TWO grandbabies, at last!

The question most folks seem to want to ask me (besides whether it's a boy or a girl - No, we don't know yet!) is whether I am having any food cravings. Well, yes, sort of. Nothing - NOTHING - tastes like it has enough salt on it. So I'm salting just about every thing I eat. I even sprinkled a little salt on my english muffin this morning (tasted good!). I've also been craving fried vegetables: tempura, onion rings, pakoras, jojos, whatever. So instead of just steaming broccoli from the garden to go with dinner last night I battered it and made fritters. They were really, really good. Salted, of course.

I'm still throwing up twice a week (I've been marking my calendar - I'm not exagerating) but my energy level has improved a lot. Enough so that I'm doing things like making broccoli fritters and baked chicken for dinner! I can live with being sick twice a week - as long as I feel good the rest of the time - for the next 5 1/2 months if that's what it takes. Feeling the baby move really, really helps make all the rest of it seem worth it. :)

Starting to Show

This is exciting! I'm almost 16 weeks and really starting to show. Cynthia and I went maternity-clothes shopping this morning, so now I have pants and pajamas that fit again. We also made belly butter, it smells and feels really good. I've read that genetics determine whether you'll get stretch marks or not, but I figure it can't hurt to put on lotion anyhow.

1st Trimester Over!

Well, almost over. And not a moment too soon. I'm trying to stay optimistic that the second trimester will be better, the nausea and vomiting and general lousy feeling will go away and I'll finally get to enjoy that pregnancy euphoria everyone always talks about.

Not to be too much of a whiner, but pregnancy has really been a disappointment so far. I always imagined that pregnancy would be this great time; I'd sit around and serenely glow, basking in my new connection to the life-giving powers of the universe, and maybe crochet some cute little booties. Sure, there might be some nausea, heartburn, or other minor discomforts, but that would balance out: for starters, no menstration for 9 months would be pretty great, right? Well, suffice it to say that I seriously underestimated the impact of nausea on pretty much every aspect of my life. Eating? Sleeping? Watching movies? Hanging out with friends? Browsing for unusual fruits & berries at the garden center? Nothing is fun when you feel like you have the flu. After going out to eat a couple weeks ago, I wondered if I might have gotten food poisoning - but how would I even be able to tell? Oh, and then there's the gassiness. I'm a danger to myself and others.

Besides all that, the lack of energy/enhanced need for sleep has really been a show-stopper. It's amazing how little time there is left for chores and/or socializing after a full day at work and then a 3 hour nap. Dinner (ha! see above), bathing, and basic laundry is about all I have time for on a regular basis, with a little gardening thrown in on the weekends. Luckily I'm married to a great guy who is picking up the slack on grocery shopping, cooking, and all those other little things that I'm just too tired for.

While I'm ranting, I might as well also mention the acne. I'd always heard that when you were pregnant your skin would be radiantly clear, your hair would stop shedding, and your nails would grow super fast. Well, the first two are myths, as far as my experience goes. I must be having some kind of hormone surges, because every couple of weeks I suddenly break out like a 15-year-old fry cook. And it's not just my face, it's my chest, my back, even my thighs. Ugh. As for my hair, I still shed like crazy. In fact, I think I may be shedding more than usual - since I recently got my hair cut short (9 inches off!), losing the same number of strands would make a much smaller hairball, right? But no, my after-shower drain monster looks the same as it did before my haircut. The fingernail thing does seem to be true, my finger and toenails are growing like mad. Which just means I have to cut them more often, so at best that's a mixed blessing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still really, really thankful to be pregnant. I'm super excited to meet our little baby in 6 more months, and to watch him or her grow into a whole new person. But so far at least, pregnancy is not living up to my expectations. Which probably reflects more on my unrealistic expectations than on pregnancy itself...

Telltale Heart

Today we went in for our first full-fledged pre-natal checkup with the midwife, and we got to hear the heartbeat! It was so cool. Our baby has a heart! It beats a fast whub-whub-whub-whub-whub and we could hear it loud and clear on the speaker and suddenly this is so much more REAL than it was before. Woo!